Parents with high emotional intelligence never say these 3 things to their children

“Is there something wrong with my child who is always acting up and I can’t help but be angry with him as a parent?”

This question has often bothered me since my child entered the 2 year old rebellious period. “Terrible two years old, troublesome three years old”, it used to be scandalous, but now it is deep in the mud.

After the child reaches the age of 2-3, the infant parents’ fascination with the budding infancy has gradually faded, and with it, the disgusting “troublemaker”.

When it was first turned on every day, one or two troubles were tolerable, with love and rain; however, when the troubles kept appearing one after another, the anger in our chest began to be restrained and we wanted to be angry.

On the one hand, we know that it is not much good to be angry with an irrational child, but on the other hand, it is difficult to suppress the anger in our hearts, so we often wonder if we have an emotional problem, or if we are still not up to the standard of a “good parent”.

Today I would like to talk about this matter.

When we can’t contain our anger towards our children, what else can we do?

Of course, the premise is not to do it, we mainly through the language and behavior to guide the child. Behavior guidance also still needs to be explained through language, so the solution to the problem discussed here focuses on language.

By extension, every parent is from the childhood, you like to listen to and can do the language is what kind of language, may not be able to remember; but you do not like to listen to the words, or even listen to the words of the more disruptive, I believe you can always remember some. For example, the following.

Other people’s children, why don’t you compare yourself with others?

Your temper is just like your father / your mother

How come you are so disobedient/unbehaved

You only know how to play all day long

Why didn’t you call someone just now? You don’t know any manners

I’m doing this for your own good, but you just don’t understand adults’ hearts

Do these words sound particularly familiar? I believe that many people’s childhood is filled with such teaching, but also to many people buried the shadows of childhood. The original intention of these words are good, yes, just the way they are expressed, so that people are not very comfortable.

Now, the former children grow up to be adults and have their own children. When the child rebels as a demon and does not meet our expectations, as parents, what do we say? High-intelligence parents, never say these 3 words to their children.

1. Words that hurt self-esteem

Self-esteem and self-confidence to grow into a responsible and responsible person. This is not difficult to understand, but in practice, we are accustomed to the critical and suppressive way of education.

For example, comparing with other people’s children, hitting the child’s self-confidence, but other people’s children are always endless, always find a flash point is more powerful than their own children. Or the child has a little problem, just by chance a non-normal play, will criticize the child is not polite, petty, misbehaved, labeled with a variety of negative labels.

Some people think that children are only two or three years old, do not have such strong self-esteem, and can not remember things. This is actually not the case. Just because these conclusions stem from our own memories of early childhood long forgotten does not mean that the child is not frustrated and distressed at the moment.

According to my own observation of my own children, from the age of two gradually have self-awareness, for criticism words will obviously express dislike, sad, angry and other emotions, while for praise, motivation, praise words, there is a clear sense of joy and pride.

Therefore, words that hurt self-esteem, say less to your child, try not to say. Change the way of expression, “feelings + effects” to convey the information to the child, so that the child to understand the consequences of their actions, but also to exercise the child’s rational thinking. For example, if you want to greet someone you know, you can try to guide them in two ways.

First, after the actual scene, if the child does not say hello as expected, you can say to the child: “If you can say hello to your aunt, she will be very happy, polite children are more popular!” If your child says hello as expected, you can also praise your child by saying, “You were really good, polite people have a lot of good friends!”

Second, similar scenarios in reading scenes are a good time to teach your child, such as the book “Little Blue Truck,” which is a story about manners and friendship. When reading, take the opportunity to tell your child how different it is to be polite and impolite, and help him or her to be conscious of the issue of politeness.

2. Frequent complaints about words

I remember the words Minglan said to her personal maid Xiaotao in the TV series “Knowing”, “Don’t shout tired when you’ve done something even if you’re tired, otherwise it’s laborious and unpleasant.” This is the wisdom of life taught to Minglan by her grandmother.

Raising a child is obviously a laborious thing, of course, parents raise children is not to please the child, but let the child has resistance, guilt, in the end, can not understand their own good intentions, such a result is afraid that most parents are difficult to accept.

As the saying goes, “When children become adults, they are waiting for an apology from their parents; and parents are waiting for a thank you from their children”. The one bomb that destroys this bridge is often the word “complaint”.

So, what should parents do when they are tired, sore or annoyed and cannot complain? Complaining often starts with the phrase “What about you” and is destined to be directed at the child. So, change the sentence to “How do I feel?” or use “facts + effects” objective language to talk about the situation and treat the child as an adult.

For example, many full-time mothers quit their jobs to take care of their children, but then complain to their children, “I gave up my job to take care of you, but you are so badly behaved, don’t study well, and don’t understand how hard it is for mommy.”

Instead, you can talk to your child as a “grown-up” who can communicate with you like this.

After you were born, mom chose to give up her job and stay home to take care of you. It’s not because mom doesn’t have the same ability to work as dad, but mom feels that taking good care of you is more important than her job. When you grow up, mommy will still have the opportunity to go out and work, and if she misses out on your growth, she will regret it immensely.

Learning is your own business, it is your future foundation ability to stand in the society, learning is not for mommy, mommy hope you can think about this matter clearly, in the future will not regret for missing the best time to learn. Learning is another difficult thing, if you have a problem and need to get help, remember that mom is always willing to help you.

When we treat our children rationally, with the respect of an “adult”, we may get the same rational response, or at least half the chance; if we treat our children irrationally, how will an irrational child learn to respond to us rationally? I’m afraid the chances are not even half.

3. Mutual accusatory words

The “blame” here is as parents face their children’s problems, in front of their children, accuse each other of not. For example, “you lazy problem, you and father exactly the same”, “your brain really follow your mother, a muddle”, “look at you this look, are usually your father to spoil the ” and so on.

Parents are two of the most important people in a child’s initial life, and recklessly blaming or even denigrating one of them will embarrass and confuse the child, and also give the child an example of “poor communication”, leading to a wrong attribution view.

It is as if one’s own mistakes are not naturally related to oneself, but to one’s parents; if one does not do something well, it is probably the fault of one’s parents, or of others.

As parents confronted with their children blaming each other for their problems, it is clear that there is something wrong with both spouses, or that the spouses do not agree on education, which is essentially a different thing from the child’s problems. When the two problems are mixed together, it only adds to the child’s confusion and does not help to solve the problem.

So, don’t say things that point fingers at each other. If blaming has become a habit of expression for you, take care to notice and reflect on what must be wrong with your relationship with your loved one that needs to be addressed urgently. Instead of letting the problem go and covering up the conflict by venting to your children.

A final thought.

The power of words should not be underestimated. “Good words are warm in winter, but bad words are cold in June” is the wisdom that the ancients told us long ago, and it also applies to the issue of teaching children.

The same applies to teaching children.

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